The Guilt of Not Being Fluent in my Mother Tongue: My Personal Story
Hello beautiful! Today's post is about one of the most important aspects of my identity as the child of two immigrants: language. My parents were both born in Ethiopia; my mom and dad both speak Amharic, and my dad also speaks Afaan Oromo. When I was growing up, my parents spoke Amharic in the house, but I never put in an effort to respond in Amharic. So now, I can speak some Amharic, and I can understand others when they speak, but I'm not as comfortable speaking it as I would like and I'm definitely not fluent.
What I'm getting at is that I've always felt a little bit guilty that I wasn't as good at Amharic as I could be. This sense of shame is more that just disappointment in myself. It's tied to my culture, family relationships, and the legacy my parents want to leave behind. And those are all topics that I'm going to talk about today.
Firstly, most of my extended family lives in Ethiopia, which means they all speak Amharic or Afaan Oromo. Whenever I visit, communication is difficult between me and my relatives. The fact that my Amharic is still developing doesn't just inconvenient for my family; it separates them from me entirely. I can't contribute to conversations where the whole family is bonding and making memories, so I feel like an outsider in my own family and an imposter in my own culture.
Maybe other children of immigrants can relate to this sentiment: living in America has given me countless opportunities that I am incredibly grateful for, but I've always resented the fact that getting an American education meant missing out on becoming fluent in my parents' first language.
Being fluent in both English and Amharic would help to open countless doors for me that now remain closed tight. Behind one of those doors is connection with my relatives in Ethiopia, but behind another is a deeper understanding of my culture and religion.
I know that my country has such a rich history and a truly unique culture, and I try my best to stay informed on the things that happen in Ethiopia. But, especially because of the integration of the Ethiopian Orthodoxy into many Ethiopians' lives and the prominence of Ge'ez (a sacred church language) and Amharic (modern spoken language in Ethiopia) in church life, I also feel disconnected from my own religion.
Eastern Orthodoxy is a huge part of my family's connection to Ethiopia and to our culture, but once again, I fall behind and often leave church without a clear understanding of the sermon because of the language barrier.
But, if I'm being honest, none of that means as much to me as my relationship with my own parents. They've given up so much for me to have the privileges that I often take for granted. They are the main link between me and Ethiopia, and I cherish that link so dearly because I would be almost entirely disconnected from my lineage without it. But, I can't help but feel like i'm letting them down.
My parents immigrated to America for the educational and professional opportunities and left their homeland to start a family here. They adapted to a whole new country so that their kids could have the same educational and professional opportunities that they came here for. I've always felt like the least I could do in return was learn their native language so it doesn't get lost in our family tree.
Of course, I know that it's not too late to learn Amharic, but it will definitely be harder than it would have been if I had learned when I was younger, when my brain would take in information more easily. And, I've started speaking more Amharic in the house and with my parents. I think the most important thing is that I'm trying to get better instead of just giving up on it.
I hope someone out there feels seen or has even become motivated the work on learning a language that's a part of their culture or heritage.
Remember, if you ever feel like you need a hand, girl, let me help!
Comments