For the 'Therapist Friends': The Truth about Harming Yourself to Help Friends
Hello beautiful! I hope you are having an amazing day! For today, I want to talk to the therapist friends out there. I think that the idea of a "therapist friend" has been popularized though the internet and skits on social media, but I'm going to try to unpack it a little deeper. For those of us who aren't on social media, the "therapist friend" is someone who is often the point of emotional support for their friend or friend group without receiving that support back. If you have a better or different definition, feel free to leave it in the comments! I had trouble defining this term myself!
The therapist friend is someone that is usually beloved in their friend group because they are the rock that anyone can lean on whenever things get hard. But, today I want to talk about why I think this dynamic shouldn't be romanticized or made into a joke when it's actively harming the "therapist friend." If the support that you bring to your friend(s) isn't being reciprocated in any way, the friendship can start to become unhealthy and tainted on both ends. I've come up with three main pillars/reasons why, but I'm sure there are more.
BUT before I get into these three points, I want to remind everyone that I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL. I have no degrees, and I haven't done any professional research on any of the mental health and psychology topics that I'm talking about. I'm simply speaking from what I've learned from the professionals and what I've seen happen in my own life.
Now, for the first point...
"Taking Care of Myself is Selfish"
The sentence above is one that I disagree with on so many levels, but it can become a part of the mindset of a lot of therapist friends. When everyone is constantly asking you for help and you never get the time to help yourself, it can feel wrong to take breaks or time off when you really do need it. We should absolutely help our friends out when they need it; that support is what friendships are built on. But, if helping our friends is coming in the way of taking care of our own mental health, it will eat away at your mental health to keep caring for your friends without caring for yourself.
I know that taking time for yourself can seem rude to your friends, but I stand very firm in my opinion on this: if they are really your friends, they will understand and support you when you need to focus on yourself.
Friendship Becomes a Full-Time Job
If being friends with someone is mentally and emotionally draining, hanging out with them won't be enjoyable anymore. In fact, it might start feeling like a chore. That silent dread can turn into a really ugly strain on the friendship as a whole or maybe even resentment for that friend or group of friends. I don't mean to blame the victim, but this is almost an example of self-sabotage. Staying in a situation that harms your mental health ends up deteriorating the relationship between you and your friends, and your mental health is harmed further.
To me, the most unfortunate part of situations like this is that the relationship may be permanently changed for the worse when no one really did anything wrong. Even after you take that time for yourself, the relationship might not be the same because of the past dynamic that may have harmed you.
Therapist Friends aren't Licensed Therapists
I think I've stated the obvious here, but stick with me. Do you know that feeling when someone asks you for life advice, but you have no clue what to say and you don't want to ruin their life? That's how I imagine therapist friends must feel when they are put in the position to comfort their friends without the expertise as a professional therapist.
Whenever I give advice to my friends and family, I'm terrified. I think, What if I messed up? What if they use my advice and it doesn't work out? Of course, the situation isn't necessarily the same for the therapist friends, but helping someone out with their life struggles usually comes with a little bit of nervousness--or a lot.
None of this is to say that we shouldn't be there for our friends. That couldn't be further from the message that I'm trying to convey. Building a system of support is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and our wellbeing. But, when that system consists of one person being everyone's therapist, it becomes less supportive and more unfair and unhealthy.
I want to send out two reminders to end off today's post: one to the therapist friends and one to everyone who has a therapist friend in their life.
For the therapist friends: if you ever feel like you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others, do it.
For those who know a therapist friend: check on them. Give them the same treatment they give you.
That's all for now! Have an awesome day!
Remember, if you ever need a hand, girl, let me help!
Comments